Whew...been awhile :)

Well, with a title like my crazy life, what could you expect?

It's been a year..well almost. Things have changed enormously, yet stayed exactly the same. Kids are a year older, we're a year broker, a few pounds heavier, but we're still doing the same old things.

If you always do what you always did you'll always get what you've always got.
Or something like that anyway.

I'm content "enough" in my life. Am I happy? I don't know, am I supposed to be? Isn't contentment enough, or shouldn't it be? My marriage is good, my kids are healthy, I have a job I like, I have food, I have a house, I have clothes, and I can even squeeze out some "fun money" every now and then. Really, what else could I want? I mean, yes, 6 pack abs would be fantastic, but in reality, if I wanted them that bad, I could probably achieve them with enough hard work, apparently it's not that important in the scheme of things :)

Dealing with some parenting issues, having a 12 year old girl who's beautiful will do that to a girl. I'm struggling with how to deal with it, she needs to feel loved an accepted, and understood, and I try to give her all of that, but at the same time I need to be MOM and she needs to know that it's in her hands as well to work for that approval. Where do you draw the line between friend and mom?

Back to the grind

My wonderful husband gave me a wonderful birthday gift. Three words..."Just Book It" For a little further translation, what he was referring to was a trip to Canada. By myself. No husband, no kids, no responsibilities. So a week later I was on a plane, on my way to visit my friends. I arrived Thursday night, around 8:30 and had a blissful 3 full days of doing nothing. Nothing but just hanging out with people I love who expected nothing of me, no laundry, no cooking, no cleaning. I don't think even I realized how desperate I was for some down time, and how close I was before I went to a literal nervous breakdown. Monday morning we left for the airport, and about 30 minutes into the drive I could feel the tension returning to my shoulders, whether it was nerves about flying, or stress from everything I knew I was going to need to get done when I got home. The flights were great, with the exception of the little tiny plane from Buffalo to Cleveland, the flight was good, the tin can I was flying in scared the crap out of me a bit :P. I was great all the way until the pilot came on as we were beginning to land in Kansas City, I looked out the window and started to sob. I couldn't help it and I couldn't stop. I missed my kids and I missed Brian, but I didn't want to be home. Maybe it's the long winter, maybe it's just the amount of things I have going on on a daily basis, but I didn't want to be home.

It opened my eyes.

We will finish 4H this year because we already started, but I won't let them join next year, and I will not agree to babysit next year.

Small steps, but I need to give something up. When I sob at the prospect of returning to my life, then the only solution is to change my life.

I am going to stop saying yes to everyone who wants help, I am not going to give so freely of myself, because at this point I think I've given so much away, I don't have enough left for my family or for myself.

I don't want my kids to go without the activities they like, but I don't want them to live with a mom who's so depressed with her life that the thought of coming home brings tears.

It's a new season, and I'm going to do my best to make it a new life!!

Love and acceptance

I sincerely hope I don't become the kind of mother who treats my children like I wish they would be more then they are. My kids are my life. Simple. Everything I do is for them, I'm busting my butt working too many jobs and being gone too much so I can do things for them. So I don't have to say no when they want to go to volleyball camp, or basketball camp, or if they want a new camera because they're interested in photography, or....even a new pair of skinny jeans because that's what's "in" this month. My kids aren't spoiled, they don't get most things they want, and I'm ok with that. My 11 year old doesn't have a facebook page, and she won't have her own cell phone until she's old enough to "need" one. I want to be able to say yes sometimes too though. Therefore I'm busy all the time. Yes I realize that time is worth more then money and things...but you can't really explain that to anyone under the age of 30 ;).

But..that's not what the point of this post was supposed to be. A certain member of the extended family apparently has a real problem with Megan. Megan is Megan. She is who she is, and I'm trying to see past the things I don't "like" and appreciate her for who she is, and I'm finally there. I still see the things I don't like, but I love her for all the things, good and bad. She's beautiful, creative, sweet, loving, giving, talented, she's got a beautiful singing voice, she's an awesome dancer...yada yada. She's also not extremely motivated, she has a lot of trouble in school, she'd much rather watch tv then do anything else, and she seems to think she's a tad older then she really is. These things are ok with me, because it's part of what makes her who she is. I don't like them, but I accept them. There have been a few comments made recently, kind of offhand...but made nonetheless, about Megan, and these comments were made by someone who should love her unconditionally. Comments about her clothes, and laziness...and these comments were not made to me, or to Brian, but to other people in the family. Part of the problem is that one of her cousins who's very close to her age is, well, perfect. She's a perfect student, perfect attendance, perfect grades, she wears clothes that apparently are deamed acceptable by the older generation, (granted she still wears little kid sizes, so we'll see how much luck she has finding non low cut jeans once she reaches juniors sizes). Anyway, Megan is constantly being compared to this perfect child and falls short. *** doesn't think she needs to wear jeans that show her ass, *** does the dishes without being asked, *** gets her AR points without being forced to read, blah blah blah. Megan gets frowned at when she straightens her hair but when *** got a perm she looked so pretty......

Ugh, I hate it. But what do I do? I blog about it just to vent, I bitch to my hubby, and I shut the hell up. Is creating a problem in the family going to help Megan?? Probably not, it'll just make it more uncomfortable for both of us. So I'll continue to blog about it just to vent, bitch to my hubby and bite my tongue.

Thank God for alcohol at family functions, eh?

Hmmmmmmmm......

Well, since it's been 4 months since I last updated I thought maybe it was time. There's so much to report that there's not really anything to report, ya know. Life is busy as usual, so because everything is so insane nothing interesting is happening.

State Farm is great, plans changed, as they do, and I'm still there part time. I'm babysitting in the mornings and working there afternoons. It's a great job, there's a lot of potential, just not sure I'm the right personality to be able to make the most of it. Tom (my boss) is great and generous and is willing to share everything, it's really hard for me to "sell" anything though. Even though I completely believe in the company and have had our insurance there for my entire life, I don't want to become a pain in the ass to anyone..ya know?

We've gotten through a season of basketball for Megan and Kaleb. Megan plays on the Jr. High team for Axtell. She's a B-teamer with a lot of potential (in my totally unbiased mom eyes ;) ) She's extremely tall so that's always helpful in the game of B-Ball. Their team didn't see a lot of wins, but they were sure fun to watch! Kaleb just plays on a Saturday morning league. They didn't even come close to seeing a win, but I've decided if you don't laugh you'll cry when watching them, so Saturday mornings are highly hilarious!

My schedule goes a little something like this.....babysit, work, kids, supper, homework, baths, bed, clean, collapse, repeat. We still have 4H, luckily after February that slows down a little, so we've got a little time off now, we'll have to start practicing for Regional 4H the middle of March, but until then we're good in the 4H department. Unfortunately I'm a guild officer this year and between now and then we've got 1 HUGE event, and 3 smaller events to plan and pull off. I Woohoo.

I'm looking very much forward to spring. I hate winter on a normal year and this year has been anything but normal. So sick of snow and fog and cold, although I really wouldn't say no to another couple days snowed in, if only so I could have an excuse to stay in my jammies all day :)

That's all for now, I will do my best to try and update a little more often then 3 times a year...but don't hold your breath :)

The New Job

I started working for State Farm last week. I like it, I'll just like it more when I have a clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing!! I'm only working in the office until the first of the year, then I'm going to start babysitting in the mornings and working from home somewhat, gotta see what that's going to all include yet.

Kids are loving school! Megan loves volleyball, they've only had one game so far, which they pretty much got creamed at. Most of the girls on the team had never played, and it's hard to get the rotations and everything down, so I think they'll get there sooner or later. I'm going to miss her next game, which sucks, but what can I do :(.

Brian's grandpa passed away last week. He's been "sick" for a long time, so in a way it was a blessing but it's still hard to see him go. It's hard to see Brian hurting. His dad and brothers left Saturday to go fishing for a few days in the Ozarks. They got home tonight, seems like they had a good time, didn't catch many fish, but they got to spend some quality guy time which is just as important.

Life has been insane as usual, so very very much to get accomplished. I feel like I'm never ever going to be caught up. Between 4H and volleyball, and school, new job, taking pictures, and just typical every day crap, I'm behind constantly. It's getting better, got some big things done on my to do list, still have a long way to go, but I'll get there, I always do. We leave for the State Fair Saturday, Kaleb has to give a talk, he did a talk at 4H days with another member and got Top Blue, so they have to do it at the State Fair. He also got to submit a picture he got a purple on and ended up with a blue at the State Fair, Megan submitted cookies and got a purple. She was thrilled. I complain a lot about 4 H and have sworn many times I'm not going to do it anymore, but Megan succeeds a LOT and she needs some success in her life, so we'll stick with it for awhile anyway.

Well, I guess that's all for tonight, I really should be studying for my licensing exam instead of wasting time on here, but man this sounded like more fun!!

Well....

As was predicted Operation Keep Up kinda tanked. I got caught up only to fall behind in like a day. Such is my life. Still getting a lot done on my days with no kiddos here, at least in the mornings, but I think for one thing I get done 3 new things pop up that need to be done!

Megan's first volleyball game is tonight, she's playing on B team, she's a 6th grader in a 6th, 7th, and 8th grade team, so that came as no surprise. She's very excited, and I can't wait to watch her play. First day in many years of traveling to ball games all year long.

Operation Keep up...cont...

So day 2 is upon me. Day one went well, got the kitchen cabinets cleaned, inside and out, walls washed down, floor scrubbed, junk drawers ( yes I have more than one) cleaned out, and desk cleaned off. The office cupboard which I couldn't get the doors shut on is organized, and I can find the floor and the desk in there now, and actually use both! The hall closet is cleaned, coats washed and gone through. 3 rooms and 5 totes, and a trash bag full of junk for a garage sale. Today both bathrooms got cleaned, and the laundry room. Also got the buildings outside mowed around and some much needed weed eating done. Still going to get the entry way cleaned and scrubbed. Tomorrow I'm going to tackle the basement and storage room, that should be interesting!!