My Crazy LIfe.....

Whew...been awhile :)

2011-02-02T07:27:00.000-08:00

Well, with a title like my crazy life, what could you expect?

It's been a year..well almost. Things have changed enormously, yet stayed exactly the same. Kids are a year older, we're a year broker, a few pounds heavier, but we're still doing the same old things.

If you always do what you always did you'll always get what you've always got.
Or something like that anyway.

I'm content "enough" in my life. Am I happy? I don't know, am I supposed to be? Isn't contentment enough, or shouldn't it be? My marriage is good, my kids are healthy, I have a job I like, I have food, I have a house, I have clothes, and I can even squeeze out some "fun money" every now and then. Really, what else could I want? I mean, yes, 6 pack abs would be fantastic, but in reality, if I wanted them that bad, I could probably achieve them with enough hard work, apparently it's not that important in the scheme of things :)

Dealing with some parenting issues, having a 12 year old girl who's beautiful will do that to a girl. I'm struggling with how to deal with it, she needs to feel loved an accepted, and understood, and I try to give her all of that, but at the same time I need to be MOM and she needs to know that it's in her hands as well to work for that approval. Where do you draw the line between friend and mom?

Back to the grind

2010-03-10T08:46:00.000-08:00

My wonderful husband gave me a wonderful birthday gift. Three words..."Just Book It" For a little further translation, what he was referring to was a trip to Canada. By myself. No husband, no kids, no responsibilities. So a week later I was on a plane, on my way to visit my friends. I arrived Thursday night, around 8:30 and had a blissful 3 full days of doing nothing. Nothing but just hanging out with people I love who expected nothing of me, no laundry, no cooking, no cleaning. I don't think even I realized how desperate I was for some down time, and how close I was before I went to a literal nervous breakdown. Monday morning we left for the airport, and about 30 minutes into the drive I could feel the tension returning to my shoulders, whether it was nerves about flying, or stress from everything I knew I was going to need to get done when I got home. The flights were great, with the exception of the little tiny plane from Buffalo to Cleveland, the flight was good, the tin can I was flying in scared the crap out of me a bit :P. I was great all the way until the pilot came on as we were beginning to land in Kansas City, I looked out the window and started to sob. I couldn't help it and I couldn't stop. I missed my kids and I missed Brian, but I didn't want to be home. Maybe it's the long winter, maybe it's just the amount of things I have going on on a daily basis, but I didn't want to be home.

It opened my eyes.

We will finish 4H this year because we already started, but I won't let them join next year, and I will not agree to babysit next year.

Small steps, but I need to give something up. When I sob at the prospect of returning to my life, then the only solution is to change my life.

I am going to stop saying yes to everyone who wants help, I am not going to give so freely of myself, because at this point I think I've given so much away, I don't have enough left for my family or for myself.

I don't want my kids to go without the activities they like, but I don't want them to live with a mom who's so depressed with her life that the thought of coming home brings tears.

It's a new season, and I'm going to do my best to make it a new life!!

Love and acceptance

2010-02-21T20:07:00.000-08:00

I sincerely hope I don't become the kind of mother who treats my children like I wish they would be more then they are. My kids are my life. Simple. Everything I do is for them, I'm busting my butt working too many jobs and being gone too much so I can do things for them. So I don't have to say no when they want to go to volleyball camp, or basketball camp, or if they want a new camera because they're interested in photography, or....even a new pair of skinny jeans because that's what's "in" this month. My kids aren't spoiled, they don't get most things they want, and I'm ok with that. My 11 year old doesn't have a facebook page, and she won't have her own cell phone until she's old enough to "need" one. I want to be able to say yes sometimes too though. Therefore I'm busy all the time. Yes I realize that time is worth more then money and things...but you can't really explain that to anyone under the age of 30 ;).

But..that's not what the point of this post was supposed to be. A certain member of the extended family apparently has a real problem with Megan. Megan is Megan. She is who she is, and I'm trying to see past the things I don't "like" and appreciate her for who she is, and I'm finally there. I still see the things I don't like, but I love her for all the things, good and bad. She's beautiful, creative, sweet, loving, giving, talented, she's got a beautiful singing voice, she's an awesome dancer...yada yada. She's also not extremely motivated, she has a lot of trouble in school, she'd much rather watch tv then do anything else, and she seems to think she's a tad older then she really is. These things are ok with me, because it's part of what makes her who she is. I don't like them, but I accept them. There have been a few comments made recently, kind of offhand...but made nonetheless, about Megan, and these comments were made by someone who should love her unconditionally. Comments about her clothes, and laziness...and these comments were not made to me, or to Brian, but to other people in the family. Part of the problem is that one of her cousins who's very close to her age is, well, perfect. She's a perfect student, perfect attendance, perfect grades, she wears clothes that apparently are deamed acceptable by the older generation, (granted she still wears little kid sizes, so we'll see how much luck she has finding non low cut jeans once she reaches juniors sizes). Anyway, Megan is constantly being compared to this perfect child and falls short. *** doesn't think she needs to wear jeans that show her ass, *** does the dishes without being asked, *** gets her AR points without being forced to read, blah blah blah. Megan gets frowned at when she straightens her hair but when *** got a perm she looked so pretty......

Ugh, I hate it. But what do I do? I blog about it just to vent, I bitch to my hubby, and I shut the hell up. Is creating a problem in the family going to help Megan?? Probably not, it'll just make it more uncomfortable for both of us. So I'll continue to blog about it just to vent, bitch to my hubby and bite my tongue.

Thank God for alcohol at family functions, eh?

Hmmmmmmmm......

2010-02-15T05:35:00.000-08:00

Well, since it's been 4 months since I last updated I thought maybe it was time. There's so much to report that there's not really anything to report, ya know. Life is busy as usual, so because everything is so insane nothing interesting is happening.

State Farm is great, plans changed, as they do, and I'm still there part time. I'm babysitting in the mornings and working there afternoons. It's a great job, there's a lot of potential, just not sure I'm the right personality to be able to make the most of it. Tom (my boss) is great and generous and is willing to share everything, it's really hard for me to "sell" anything though. Even though I completely believe in the company and have had our insurance there for my entire life, I don't want to become a pain in the ass to anyone..ya know?

We've gotten through a season of basketball for Megan and Kaleb. Megan plays on the Jr. High team for Axtell. She's a B-teamer with a lot of potential (in my totally unbiased mom eyes ;) ) She's extremely tall so that's always helpful in the game of B-Ball. Their team didn't see a lot of wins, but they were sure fun to watch! Kaleb just plays on a Saturday morning league. They didn't even come close to seeing a win, but I've decided if you don't laugh you'll cry when watching them, so Saturday mornings are highly hilarious!

My schedule goes a little something like this.....babysit, work, kids, supper, homework, baths, bed, clean, collapse, repeat. We still have 4H, luckily after February that slows down a little, so we've got a little time off now, we'll have to start practicing for Regional 4H the middle of March, but until then we're good in the 4H department. Unfortunately I'm a guild officer this year and between now and then we've got 1 HUGE event, and 3 smaller events to plan and pull off. I Woohoo.

I'm looking very much forward to spring. I hate winter on a normal year and this year has been anything but normal. So sick of snow and fog and cold, although I really wouldn't say no to another couple days snowed in, if only so I could have an excuse to stay in my jammies all day :)

That's all for now, I will do my best to try and update a little more often then 3 times a year...but don't hold your breath :)

The New Job

2009-09-15T19:33:00.000-07:00

I started working for State Farm last week. I like it, I'll just like it more when I have a clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing!! I'm only working in the office until the first of the year, then I'm going to start babysitting in the mornings and working from home somewhat, gotta see what that's going to all include yet.

Kids are loving school! Megan loves volleyball, they've only had one game so far, which they pretty much got creamed at. Most of the girls on the team had never played, and it's hard to get the rotations and everything down, so I think they'll get there sooner or later. I'm going to miss her next game, which sucks, but what can I do :(.

Brian's grandpa passed away last week. He's been "sick" for a long time, so in a way it was a blessing but it's still hard to see him go. It's hard to see Brian hurting. His dad and brothers left Saturday to go fishing for a few days in the Ozarks. They got home tonight, seems like they had a good time, didn't catch many fish, but they got to spend some quality guy time which is just as important.

Life has been insane as usual, so very very much to get accomplished. I feel like I'm never ever going to be caught up. Between 4H and volleyball, and school, new job, taking pictures, and just typical every day crap, I'm behind constantly. It's getting better, got some big things done on my to do list, still have a long way to go, but I'll get there, I always do. We leave for the State Fair Saturday, Kaleb has to give a talk, he did a talk at 4H days with another member and got Top Blue, so they have to do it at the State Fair. He also got to submit a picture he got a purple on and ended up with a blue at the State Fair, Megan submitted cookies and got a purple. She was thrilled. I complain a lot about 4 H and have sworn many times I'm not going to do it anymore, but Megan succeeds a LOT and she needs some success in her life, so we'll stick with it for awhile anyway.

Well, I guess that's all for tonight, I really should be studying for my licensing exam instead of wasting time on here, but man this sounded like more fun!!

Well....

2009-09-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

As was predicted Operation Keep Up kinda tanked. I got caught up only to fall behind in like a day. Such is my life. Still getting a lot done on my days with no kiddos here, at least in the mornings, but I think for one thing I get done 3 new things pop up that need to be done!

Megan's first volleyball game is tonight, she's playing on B team, she's a 6th grader in a 6th, 7th, and 8th grade team, so that came as no surprise. She's very excited, and I can't wait to watch her play. First day in many years of traveling to ball games all year long.

Operation Keep up...cont...

2009-08-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

So day 2 is upon me. Day one went well, got the kitchen cabinets cleaned, inside and out, walls washed down, floor scrubbed, junk drawers ( yes I have more than one) cleaned out, and desk cleaned off. The office cupboard which I couldn't get the doors shut on is organized, and I can find the floor and the desk in there now, and actually use both! The hall closet is cleaned, coats washed and gone through. 3 rooms and 5 totes, and a trash bag full of junk for a garage sale. Today both bathrooms got cleaned, and the laundry room. Also got the buildings outside mowed around and some much needed weed eating done. Still going to get the entry way cleaned and scrubbed. Tomorrow I'm going to tackle the basement and storage room, that should be interesting!!

Keeping up VS Catching up...

2009-08-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

Why is keeping up so impossible??? My goal for the next 3 weeks is to catch up. Once I'm there, I'm going to work on keeping up. I have many goals for the next few weeks...one of which is to get back into running!! I was up to 2 miles almost every day, then life got busy and I got lazy. After gaining back some ( I'm too afraid to weigh myself to find out exactly how much!!) I have to get back into the eating healthy and exercising habit I was so strict with just a month ago! I also am going to give up drinking pop.(Read: TRY REALLY HARD to give up drinking pop!!) This is a huge thing for me, I'm completely and totally addicted. Being completely and totally addicted is what made me decide I need to give it up now. That and the fact that I know it's terrible for me in so many ways. Brian is definately getting me into a more natural way of eating, I completely see the benefits, but it's going to take a lot to make the changes we need to make. We're not going organic by any means, just going to try to knock out a lot of the chemicals and corn syrup that goes into so many foods. Wish us luck!!

Vacation 2009

2009-08-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

Just got back from vacation. It was, as all vacations, too short! We didn't do much, Hope had a dermatologist appointment in Kansas City on Monday so we used it as an excuse to go to Great Wolf Lodge. We spent Sunday night with some wonderful family, thanks Larry and Donna!!! First we went to Science City to see the Narnia Exhibit. The kids and I thought it was pretty darn cool, Brian, not knowing what Narnia is, wasn't nearly as excited, but he was a good sport! Science City was a lot of fun, would have liked to stay longer, but the hours flew by! Megan and Kaleb got to ride the sky bike, Kaleb thought it was wonderful, Megan wasn't nearly as sure!!

Monday morning we went to Hope's appointment, then to Bass Pro, then to Great Wolf Lodge. The room was awesome, and the kids had so much fun. I would have loved to spend a week there, but as everyone knows, money is hard to come by!

2009-07-23T20:49:00.001-07:00

Happy 4th

2009-07-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all who've given us the opportunity to live in a free country, and those who are still fighting to maintain that freedom. Thank you to those who are at home with loved ones fighting for our right to live without fear and terrorism.

God Bless America!

A Love Like Edward and Bella

2009-06-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not one who gets completely wrapped up in movies. I'm smart enough to know that movies are not real, and that lighting, music, props and special effects make a movie so entertaining to watch. I like Twilight. I like to watch it and I like to read it, I've read the entire series twice, and want to read it again. What is it that makes it so compelling? I think it's the love, the complete and total giving of oneself to another human (or in this case vampire). The intense and total giving of your heart makes it so addictive to people. Every human being wants to feel a love like that, to give and to recieve a love like that. Does it exist in real life? Sometimes I believe it does. Sometimes I even feel it. The love for ones children is something like that, the desire to hand your heart over, the willingness to die for another's happiness. The love for one's friends as well can be overwhelming, although it's a different kind of love. The love for a spouse, the father / mother of your children, the one who knows you inside and out and takes the good with the not so good, and accepts you for all of it and loves you through it all. Every person deserves to feel like they are the sole purpose of another one to go on day by day. My goal in life is to become that person for someone. Maybe I am already, I hope so. There are times I see it, maybe it's just harder to see in yourself and in your own relationships then it is to see in other people. I have friends that I see it in, see people that are made to be together. It's like the sole purpose for being put on this earth is to be with that person. I have felt it in my own marriage, and with my children, and with my friends. Wouldn't life be grand if every day could feel like those days. If every day you knew that someone loved you so much that they felt they couldn't go on without you. I think the answer is that you need to let those people know, you need to make sure those people in your life know, every single day of their lives that they are that person for you, that every breath you take and every beat of your heart revolves around them. My vow today is to let those people in my life know that they mean the world to me. I'm so blessed to have people to share that with.

Just have to vent somewhere

2009-06-29T18:25:00.001-07:00

Megan's team is undefeated in softball this year. They've played really good this year, and have earned every win. Their coach, also Brian's brother, has a rule, if you let three strikes go by without swinging you're on the bench for the rest of the game. Well, apparently he changed it to, you're on the bench for the entire next game. Whatever. Megan let three strikes go by tonight, three very very badly called strikes, they were a tad higher than ankle height on her, but all three were exactly the same and he called all three strikes. This was the end of the 3rd inning, they play 4 and we were ahead so we didn't have to play the end of the 4th. Anyway, she has to sit out the entire next tournament game because she didn't swing at three very bad pitches. Our pitcher is pretty good, but she likes it when Megan catches, she pitches better when Megan catches. I told Megan after the game that I wouldn't have, nor would any other player have swung at those pitches and she can't take it personally. It's a stupid rule, in my opinion, because most of the girls watch 2 strikes go by and swing at the next pitch regardless of how it looks because they're afraid to sit on the bench. It rewards the girls who swing at the ones that are 3 feet over their head. I've always thought it was a stupid rule. Not a damn thing I can do about it, but I needed to vent here before I called my brother in law and told him what an idiot he really is.

Swimming pictures

2009-06-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

Got a little scary around here today

2009-06-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

Actually, I'm rather bummed, I'm terrified of tornadoes, but I'd like to see one.......from a distance that is. Clouds got a little scary for a while, but nothing came from it. Sun is almost shining again. Planning to head to the pool later to fight the humidity!

I took the kids to the pool last Saturday with Jake's little friend Cort and of course Cort's mom Jennifer. Actually bought a family pass so we may be doing more of that this summer, the kids are getting old enough it's no longer impossible to take them all to the pool.

June 16

2009-06-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

What a boring day. Brian and Kaleb are at the sale barn tonight and Jake is spending the night with Grandma Linda. I think I'm going to head up to the bar for their monthly girl's night out. I love having a kid old enough to stay home and babysit =) First I'm going to go for a run, but dang it's hot and humid today. Been waiting for the sun to go down, but now that I have plans I suppose it'd be smart to run before the drinking begins.

Started the C25K ( Couch to 5K) about a month ago. Trying to be a runner, I know, what the hell am I thinking! I love it though. Going into week 5, and I'm not dead yet!! Hopefully I'll get all the way through. I need the stress relief more than anything, well....no I guess I need the exercise more than anything :P I'm down about 15 lbs so far, and would like to go down another 15 but I don't know if it'll happen. The weight loss slows the closer I get to my goal.

Been down and grouchy lately, summertime blues I guess. Trying to decide if I want to get a job in the fall...one's been offered that I can pretty much work whatever hours I want. I also have the opportunity to babysit during the school year. A 3 year old, 20 month old, and a newborn in the mornings. I love the idea of staying home and making money, but I don't know if I want to go back to diapers and all that goes with it. It is only mornings though and I'd have all school holidays and summers off, which is a huge plus. Summers are so busy I really would love to have them off. And the babysitting option leaves a lot more time open for photography.

Lots to think about.

June 15, 2009

2009-06-15T20:06:00.001-07:00

We went to KC today to go to Children's Mercy to recheck Hope's bald spot. He took her off of the medication pending the results of the culture they ran. As long as it's negative she just has to use Nizoral 3 times a week for another 6 months. Mostly to keep it from coming back. He was happy with the progress and the hair regrowth.

She of course was a total goofball all day. We went to Legends Mall for the first time, my mom and sister went along. I wish we would have had more time there, it was a lot of fun. We only got lost once on the way home, and I only got honked at twice, and I'm convinced it was because the drivers of the other vehicles thought us women in the van were cute. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

The newest member of our family.

2009-06-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

We welcomed Rosie, our new pony to the family last week. She's about 9 years old, and her owner wasn't riding her and got tired of feeding her so he gave her away. Can't beat a free horse!! We now have three members of the equine family on the farm, Skoal is a 3 year old we bought last year, Brian worked with him a lot last Summer but hasn't been on him much in the last few months. I'm sure that's going to come back to kick him in the butt. Lou is a 2 year old, we got her with her Mom, Lady. Unfortunately, Lady got sick and had to be put down when Lou was just a baby, so for now she's just around eating...well....like a horse.

Rosie has a bit of an attitude, the first day Kaleb got on bareback and she did great. The next, he thought he'd just hop right on, she had other ideas though, and that was the first time Kaleb's been bucked off. Thankfully, she's not very tall so he didn't have a long way to fall. My dad got on her and put her in her place, and she's been doing better. We did put a saddle on, which did not make her a happy pony, but it's a lot easier to hold on with a saddle. Kaleb does a really great job riding, it just comes naturally for him. He's not scared and when she starts getting antsy, he just makes sure she knows he's the boss and she usually calms down pretty fast. Jake's been on her once with Grandpa leading. Grandpa made her run a little and you could hear Jake giggling across the yard!

Hope's Kindergarten Graduation

2009-06-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

Hope graduated from Kindergarten last month. I guess I have to call her a first grader now! She came a long way in a year, even her teacher couldnt' believe the difference from August until May. She has some pretty good friends, thankfully they'll be going to St. Michael's with her next year.

Megan started playing the clarinet this year, she's doing a really good job. I didn't let her start until second semester because I wanted to make sure her grades were going to be good before I let her take something else on. She really liked it, and never complained about practicing. Her band teacher said she'd love to work with her this summer, she can't believe how far she's come.
They got a new band / music teacher this year and the program was a million times better than usual. The music was good, they knew their songs, and they looked like they actually had fun!

Jake's First Tee-ball Game

2009-06-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

Jake had his first tee ball game last week. He had a blast! He did however insist on wearing his Christmas long sleeved tee shirt to the game. Oh well, it was a battle I didn't choose to fight.

I'm sure you're bored with ball stories, but for now, it's my life......

2009-06-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

Here's a few of Megan and Hope. Megan's team is still undefeated, although they had a close call Monday night. By that I mean they actually had to play the 4th inning, well the first half of the 4th inning anyway. Megan is still catching mostly. She's gotten a few decent hits, one or two pop flies that she lucked out on because the other team didn't catch, the others mostly line drives between third and short. Her dang legs are so long it looks like she's barely moving when she runs, hopefully she'll catch up with her legs someday and get a little speed.

Hope is just kind of there to be there, I stopped standing in the outfield with them because all I did was listen to Hope complain about being hot, or bored, or tired, or...whatever. She's hitting the ball a little better, and her throw has improved tremendously, but she still can't catch the ball in the glove to save her life. Motor skills have never been her strong suit, so I guess we'll just have to wait for coordination to come to her.

June is flying by

2009-06-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

With ball games nearly every night of the week June doesn't seem to stick around very long. Kaleb's team is getting better, still definately one of the younger / less experienced teams in the league, but the last game was actually fairly close! Kaleb has still pitched every inning of every game, although I keep telling the coach, (also my husband) that he needs to take him out sometimes before he ruins his arm. However, there isn't another kid on the team who can even get the ball over the plate. He's doing a really good job pitching, he's got pretty good speed.

A little of the last month

2009-06-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

May is such a busy month. Softball and Baseball season began. Kaleb is on a very young team, there were only 4 boys of the right age to play on his team, so most of the team is made up of 2nd graders who are used to coach pitch. Kaleb has a lot of his daddy's talent in sports, but doesn't have much of a team to play with so his season isn't going very well so far. Hopefully in the next few weeks they'll get the hang of it. He's the pitcher and for his first year is doing really well. He's still walking a lot of players, but we're only 2 games into the season so we'll see how the rest plays out.

Hope is in her first year of team softball. She's playing coach pitch, and loves it. She's definately got room for improvement, but she's having fun so that's all that matters. I'm helping coach her team which really consists of standing in the outfield and telling the kids where to throw the ball.

Megan is in her last year of Pee Wee Softball and will move up to the Junior High team next year. She has a huge team with a lot of talent. She mostly plays catcher with a little third base thrown in for good measure. She's very good at catching but it's definately not her favorite position. She is very very tall for her age and looks like a giant next to most of the other players. Catching has to be hard on her knees, she has a long way to go down to crouch into catching position. She hasn't gotten to hit the ball much, this level of softball is hard pressed to find good pitchers so she gets walked a lot. The girls have a game tonight so I'll try to get some pictures to post.

Jake is going to play tee ball starting Wednesday. He can't wait. He's a lefty so it's a lot different for me to work with him on batting. He throws pretty well, but doesn't quite have the hang of catching a ball in a glove yet. I played with him the other day and when he saw the ball coming he dove into the ground and covered his head with the glove. Not it's intended use, but whatever.

We went to the lake last night to barbecue and do some fishing. Brian backed the boat into the water and my dad forgot to hold onto it, so Brian had to go swimming for the boat. He didn't find it nearly as amusing as the rest of us did. I did get some pictures of that though!! They didn't get much caught, but it was a fun change of pace from grilling burgers at home.

And here's dad just waiting for him to bring the boat back.

Just some random shots of the family at the lake.

My kiddos

2009-05-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I caved...

2009-05-24T13:21:00.001-07:00

So I don't read blogs, it's not that I'm not interested, I'm just too damn scatterbrained to ever remember to look at them when I'm online. What can I say. Here I am, trying to do the blog-thing.

I really don't have much of interest to start with, so I'll keep it short and sweet today and hopefully Softball and Baseball don't completely take my entire summer and I'll be able to come back and update every now and then!